Retro-Posts consist of content that I wrote in the past, earlier on in my journey. You may notice that some of my ideas, concepts and understandings have evolved and deepened over time ~ I have decided that it is important to be completely open about my path, and take pride in the learning I have done along the way. I hope that it empowers some of you to recognize the need to allow yourself to shed all that no longer serves you, and be open to changing your perceptions, and growing into and out of each stage in the process of self-exploration and self-realization. I have learned to appreciate this spiritual adventure, and look forward to further transformation as I move into the future ~ care to join me?
First, I must apologize for my absence; Divine chaos seems to have overtaken me this summer! With events to plan, a business to keep an eye on, clients to take care of and celebrations to attend, my writing time has been limited.
Recent "visitors" have put much effort into turning my focus back to my literary expression, but it wasn't until this morning that I finally surrendered to their message; over the last 8 weeks, I have been visited by a plethora of spiders ~ they've come in all shapes and sizes, some were gigantic and hairy, others have been more of the "teensy-weensy" variety. Regardless of physical appearance, I'm sorry to say, all spiders tend to evoke a standard response from me: a piercing shriek, followed by a creative string of profanity, random swatting, and desperate cries for assistance from anyone in earshot. Yes, I am terrified of spiders.
I've known for quite some time that these eight-legged messengers have been sacrificing their safety, homes and in most cases, their lives in order to direct my attention toward my need to write. This started in June, when I began to choose to spend my energy on other projects. I seemed to have forgotten the importance of making time for my purpose, and of setting boundaries on how much time and energy I was willing to give away to others. It was in mid-June that I was visited by the biggest of all the spiders, and his friends have come to me nearly every day since.
I was fully aware of the fact that I "should" have been writing, and that once I did the spiders would back off. In fact, I even tried to "cheat" by re-posting previous articles I had written, and by sharing links instead of creating new posts. Apparently, this didn't count - the spiders began coming to me in dreams, too. They weren't gentle, either - I've lost track of how many times I've jumped out of bed, thinking that there was a spider beside my head. The most vivid dream was of a spider who plopped onto my pillow, started tapping on my forehead (third eye), and spun me a book out of it's webs.
Nonetheless, I continued to put off writing, telling myself that I would have more time once my children start school in a couple of weeks. Evidently, this wasn't good enough for the spiders; they've begun to actually climb on me. This, I simply cannot handle, and so here I am, writing to appease the Spider Gods.
Honestly, it feels wonderful to write again; I sat down at my computer this morning, expecting to be facing a blank screen, eventually giving up and moving on to find something else to keep me busy. I was surprised when I immediately began typing, and the words just flowed. I feel relaxed and energized, and now I'm wondering why on earth I thought that writing was something I could put off until things weren't so busy. My only regret is that I could very well have been more productive and less stressed had I remembered that there is no such thing as "making time" for your purpose and passion ~ it is natural and a very necessary form of self-care, just like taking a shower and brushing your teeth.
Upon contemplation of a deeper meaning behind this experience, I can't deny the connection of two of my greatest fears ~ I have a paralyzing fear of spiders, and have been confronted with that aversion. Admittedly, I have not overcome the fear, but I have faced it, head on. Similarly, I'm also nervous about moving forward seriously with any kind of "major" writing; I've become comfortable in the realm of articles and blog posts, and seem to have plateaued, avoiding the reality that I need to take the next step.
No matter ~ lesson learned! I have set my intention to make time for writing at least twice per week, and, once school begins, I will dedicate an entire day each week to expressing my inner author!