Retro-Posts consist of content that I wrote in the past, earlier on in my journey. You may notice that some of my ideas, concepts and understandings have evolved and deepened over time ~ I have decided that it is important to be completely open about my path, and take pride in the learning I have done along the way. I hope that it empowers some of you to recognize the need to allow yourself to shed all that no longer serves you, and be open to changing your perceptions, and growing into and out of each stage in the process of self-exploration and self-realization. I have learned to appreciate this spiritual adventure, and look forward to further transformation as I move into the future ~ care to join me?
Sometimes life has a way of slipping by without our noticing; the hours become days, then turn into weeks, and before you know it, months have gone by in the blink of an eye. It makes me seriously take into consideration our powers of manifestation. If an hour turns into a month so quickly, how fast can a single thought become our reality?
I have been walking through an interesting stretch in my journey lately, and have been guided to share some of it with you; not only will it be healing and reassuring to many of you, but it is also a part of my own healing process. So, here it is... shared with only love and gratitude for all of the lessons it has brought to me.
To begin with, I had asked that all illusions and negative influences be removed from my space, but never in a million years could I have prepared myself for the changes that it brought. People, places and situations began to fall away from me in nearly every area of my world, the majority of which were people and things that I had enjoyed being involved with. These "comfortable" people were the ones whose approval I felt the need to seek before making decisions, and whose permission was warranted before any action. Essentially, I was allowing myself to be treated as their child, held lovingly in their good graces when I behaved to their liking, and punished and ignored when I acted outside of their ideas of what was appropriate for me. This patriarchy is what I found familiar and comforting, but didn't realize just how devastating it really was on so many levels of my being.
On the other side of the coin, I began to notice that I was attracting people who, in the past, I had never felt completely at ease with; eventually, and very suddenly, I realized that with these people, I could truly be myself, without the need to fear their opinions or rejection ~ they have become pillars of support, with no attachment to anything I choose. I could openly express my ideas, feelings, gifts and visions, knowing that, no matter what, my words and actions would be received without judgement or humiliation. It was not these people who caused my discomfort - it was the real me, screaming and begging to reach out to them from behind the iron bars I had hidden her behind for as long as I can remember.
This understanding was incredibly empowering, although frightening at the same time. I began asking myself a lot of questions: How much of my adult life had I spent still believing that I was a child? Why had I allowed so many people to feel such control over me? How many opportunities had I missed because I was told "no", and didn't have the confidence to do it anyway? Why is this kind of control over another human being widely accepted in civilized society, wrapped up with ribbons and bows, and labelled "Love"?
Finally, I was forced to consider the most terrifying question of all... who the hell am I?
Going beyond people, I've also found myself reaching higher with my aspirations and visions of the future. I've received so much guidance that it is difficult to decipher, but my trust in divine timing has paid off, because I have received concrete validation of where I need to go, not from the opening of the doors of opportunity, but by those that are closing before me. By sitting in silence, I am able to feel flashes of things to come, and piece by piece, I am learning the steps that need to be taken in order to get there. I have no doubt that there will be difficult goodbyes and emotional releases, but I trust that every moment is occurring precisely as it is meant to. One day at a time... one breath at a time.
Armed with my new sense of self, my values and my newfound confidence, I feel ready to take on the world. Only this time, it's on my terms. I want to show my daughters exactly what it means to be a strong, loving, nurturing and inspirational female role model. I want them to understand that they don't need to paint a mask of confidence for the world to see, while hiding their ability to love unconditionally, to forgive and to feel passion. I will show them that we are each made up of millions of facets, each one being equally beautiful; that mistakes are wonderful things; that each so-called failure is nothing more than a stepping stone to success. Most importantly, I need to show them that they are capable of living their lives in whatever way they choose, and that they do not need the approval of any other human being in order to do so.
The healing power of writing has never rung so loudly in my ears, so please be assured that this is the first of many posts I plan to share with the world. We are all on this journey together ~ all of my experiences are a reflection of yours, and if my lessons can help just one other person, it was worth every second.